Dancing with the Rich

Here is an old story I wrote a couple years ago about a ball I went to with my friend John Craig with the Best Buddies program.

So after getting lost a bit my Best Buddy John and I arrive at the scene…the home of Eunice and Sergeant Shriver. We first run into Timothy Shriver, you could have guessed just by seeing his face. They all look so much alike, light brown hair and big blue eyes. We were briefly introduced and I was thinking, "Wow, you're like royalty." He was very polite. He had a slew of kids waiting for him in the car, so he quickly left.

Then we walked toward the house. It was lined with flags that said "best buddies" on it. The house, my god. The house was huge. I mean this is before I even saw the inside. There was a huge spacious 4-car garage. Is it possible to own 4 cars when only 2 people live at the house? I mean, do the dogs have cars? I should have whipped my camera out at that instant, but for some reason I just couldn't take gawking pictures at some man's house while the people on the lawn saw me. I mean, that would look a little odd, wouldn't it? I had that problem most of the night. So there is this frantic woman running around. I'm assuming she is the party planner. Oh, indeed she is. I swear, she was RIGHT out of a movie. Have you ever seen State and Main? She was right out of this movie. She tells all the volunteers to proceed to the "downstairs" b/c this is where we will get our info session.So I go to my info briefing to find out I've been assigned to "greeter" duty. Yes, this means I GREET all the famous people as they walk in. Little old me! Little old Lisa gets to greet the rich folk.So we start greeting people. Now here I am, in my YELLOW prom dress. Gosh, I was so happy to wear that dress again. The thing cost me $180 and so I figured since I was wearing it again tonight that means it only cost 90 each time I wore it, about the cost of a tuxedo rental. So that's fair, right? Granted, yellow is probably not the best color to wear to a FALL occasion, but I knew this going in. I was bound to stand out as that "volunteer in the bright yellow dress." But you know what? I like being noticeable.

In fact, this woman who I had not yet met, the one who got me the job to be a "greeter", came up to me and said, "Hi Lisa, I figured that was you b/c you said you'd be wearing a yellow dress." Awww yeah. I was pegged.

So I'm greeting people! Here I am, shaking hands with people who have touched more money in one month than I probably have in my entire life. Every once in awhile you'd shake someone's hand and look at them a little funny, b/c you're like, "are you famous?" "am I that oblivious to the Hollywood world that I should know your name and I just don't?" God I hate when that happens.So I shake some short dude's hand and he walks on in. This guy next to me says, "Hey hey you know who that is?" Um..no. Was he wearing a nametag? Everyone ought to be. He says, "Dan Snyder, he owns the Redskins." Oh right! That was my second guess. Hey hey Dan! Wait wait! I want to get your picture for my dad, he loves the redskins. Nah, he left too fast. I kept looking for him the rest of the night, but those short rich white dudes all blend in together, you know?Ever hear of the "trophy wife?" Yeah, you hear of them right? Well, guess what? They exist. Women who just work to keep the fat off their bodies so that their husbands can feel like their wife is prettier than YOUR wife. Nuff said.

So I'm growing bored of this greeting stuff. I'm cold, my feet hurt, and I want to see someone famous. OH, and I do. Who is that from afar? Dear god, is that CARL LEWIS? CARL LEWIS! It's you! You are my hero! I'm a runner too, Carl! Come say hi to me Carl! And he does! I shake hands with CARL Lewis!!!!!! I shall never wash them again. He was very polite and cool…..and yes, I DID get a picture with him later that night. Oh yes, it will be framed. Carl and I! Running pals!Oh, it's time to get a drink. Time for a break! Even volunteers get those, right? I head downstairs. I'm walking toward the drinks, and huh? Is this real? No no no no. It can't be. Is that..ARNOLD Schwarzenegger ? ARNOLD? ARNOLD! Arnold you are on the bike! You are on the stationary bike and you are working hard! My god you have on shorts and a t-shirt! Can I touch your chest? Please!!!!! I'm going to walk over and talk to Arnold. I do, I say hi to Arnold! He says hi back! My god, I'm waiting for a missile to come out of the sky, or a man to bust in and try to shoot me…..this is a movie, right? He's got the accent and everything, he's no fake! I tell him I'm running a marathon at the end of the month, he tells me he did a couple, but they killed his legs. no more of those for him. Tells me good luck. Holy shit! I had a conversation with ARNOLD! I ask to take his picture, but he tells me to hold off and take it later, since he is sweaty and all. I didn't manage to get a pic of just Arnold and I; you wouldn't believe how many people were following that guy around. Who wants to get a picture with that weird girl in the yellow dress anyway? So I settled for a picture of him far away. Hopefully it will turn out.

I decide to put my yellow flip-flops on. I mean, I can't do much to hurt my case anymore at this point, right? Besides, my feet hurt. There she goes, Jersey girl in a yellow prom dress with matching yellow flip flops. And yes, pantyhose.I head back to greeting. 4 buff women pass me. Hey hey hey! You're Mia Hamm! Mia Hamm, the woman who made that one jog bra super popular! I don't even like to run in just my bra, always afraid people will look at my fat. "Hi, welcome to the best buddies ball," I utter.We're done greeting. We can do whatever we want. But we don't get fed. No $500 plate of food for me. Of course I understand, I mean, I'm only a best buddy right? Like I'm the one doing what you're all paying for, right? So of course I shouldn't eat dinner. Right. It's time to go to the bathroom. So I go. Wow. This is the guest bathroom. I can't even imagine what the master must one looks like. I wonder what its like to wash yourself knowing you could easily fit an entire car in the shower with you? I mean, gosh, when you sing, does it echo REALLY loud? Do the Shriver's know what college campuses are doing? They are selling rooms for half the size of this for a decent price. What are you thinking Shriver family? Rent out your bathroom! I'd bid on it. And yes, mom, I took a picture of the bathroom. I knew you'd want to see it.

I walk around thinking, god I have to take pictures of something. There are countless pictures of JFK on the wall, so I take some of those. I can only bring myself to take 18 pictures the entire night, and I'd say more than half of them are bad. I'm such a picture freak, but I just didn't feel like I could boss the people around at this place like I could my friends when I want them at just the right angle.Let's check out the tent area, huh? Wow. I thought I threw quite the party when I planned my prom. No no no. What part of the movie is this? Each centerpiece must have cost 90 at the least. Absolutely gorgeous. Huge stage. I can't really talk about what it looks like; you'll have to see my pics when I get them back.There is music playing. Guess who's playing? J.T. and the Kool Gang. I start dancing and get hot and want to put my new leather jacket down along with my new camera. I don't want to dance too far away from them both, I mean, this is my NEW leather jacket. I just bought this puppy! The camera was a gift for my birthday last year. I'm dancing and start laughing. Haha, Lisa, come on now! Do you think they want to steal your jacket? It's a Nine West jacket that you bought on sale for $144. And the reason you got it so cheap was b/c it is normally 300, it went on sale for 180, and you saved an additional 15% for having a coupon, and then 10% more b/c you opened up a credit card. Wow. I wonder if anyone else in that room could say that? So I stopped worrying about the jacket and camera. No one was going to try and steal my broke possessions. And I did walk home with them both.

Enough dancing, let's go home. The lady in charge says to me, "Did you take home a free bag?" (They had GAP bags as favors -- can you believe that? I debate whether or not to spend my tip money on a bag that I could maybe do without) I felt like saying, "come on lady!!! I'm in COLLEGE. I seek out free stuff wherever I go, and I usually manage to take it without looking too obvious. I have 3 of those bags all ready to go in my car!" But I smiled politely and said, "Wow, I didn't know if we were allowed to take one, I think I will, thanks."

I fell asleep chuckling to myself. My yearly income, about $6,000, was what these people's dinner cost them tonight. And I bet all the women I met tonight throw their dresses out tonight after wearing them. I mean, they've lost their style, right?